I meant to write so much sooner. To capture every moment and share something meaningful or profound. But life happened, and happens, and at times getting home was all I could do after the longest days.
Things out of my control thrust themselves forward as priority. Things in my control took precedent. And as every day, then week, then month passed by, all of the things I wanted to write about––all the things I wanted to share––got swept under the rug, until it was embarrassing to think about how backlogged it would all be, how behind I would seem.
Five months of recap from grad school; events and special moments from my life. Ramblings about books and publishing and the history of baked bread.
The last five months of grad school were tough, but I’m stronger for making it through them. In my personal life and around the people closest to me there was death, cancer, my engagement, an internship at an imprint of my dream publisher. All big things, all important things. But as one was left behind, how could I say the next was more important? The topics snowballed. And then thinking about this space became just another stressful place that reminded me that I wasn’t writing for fun any more. That I was in a place where emotions weren’t processing; that I was in a place where I worried how numb I felt. All in five months.
It’s only been five months since I last blogged, but I feel that life has given me more “content” than I could ever recap here. But I want to be back here. And for the last couple weeks, I’ve been feeling like I finally can be. Part of that will mean accepting that I can’t go back––that those drafts are better discarded––and the other part of that will mean being okay with that.
Life happened. It happened in a desperately immediate and present way. As it should. And not all of life needs to be captured in words.
So, while a lot of tough and complicated and stressful things have happened, I won’t relate them. I’ve spent enough time in their company. It’s time to move forward. It’s time to appreciate and be excited about the good, and it’s time to be back here, writing––not with the rigor of a weekly schedule, and the rat race for social media followers and such. It’s time to write for myself again.
And so I will.
It’s good to be back.